What Kind of Family?

The church is often compared to a family, but what kind of family is your church? If is healthy or dysfunctional?

I'm the Boss

Some families are dictatorship, anger, and/or addiction issues. Every member of the family has a role to play, and that role is completely defined by the Boss. Problem is, not only is it authoritarian, but the rules are subject to change depending on the Boss' mood. Members of the family are constantly afraid of the Boss.

Fear-based Christians often see God the same way. If my father is capricious, and God is my heavenly father, I'd better mind my P's and Q's. And even if God isn't capricious, just breaking the wrong rule may set off a tirade. Tread carefully, because you don't want to cross that line where God will kick you out and send you to Hell.

If the leader of your church (and the leader isn't always the pastor, although that is the most likely scenario) is a dictator, it will change the whole character of the congregation. Lots of people will quietly leave, sometimes in waves. A few people will try to stand up to the leader, share their experiences with others who just don't believe the pastor would do that, and then shuffle off, often staying away from any church for months, years, or even the rest of their lives.

This is called spiritual abuse, and it can come from the pastor, a power broker in the church (you know, that guy who is always chair of the church board or whose family keeps the church afloat financially), or perhaps a Sunday school teacher. The only options are to leave or wait it out in hopes the abuser will eventually leave.

What Leadership?

The opposite is the church with no real leadership. The pastor does his job. The board does its job. Everyone seems to get along. No issue is allowed to divide the issue - or get anywhere close to that level. Sermons jump from topic to topic or just follow the lectionary. Everyone gets along, but there really is no shepherd. Everything just kind of flows with little change, little progress, little direction.

It's comfortable, but there's no purpose, no direction, no sense of mission.

What Does a Healthy Church Look Like?

In a healthy family, the kids aren't put down for asking questions, and the parents are human. There is mutual respect. There are only as many rules as necessary. People are more important than rules. Discipline is fitting. Everyone is affirmed, and nobody is put down. The borders of the family are fuzzy, as friends feel like part of the family when they visit.

In a healthy church, the pastor creates an environment of love and acceptance by asking God what He wants His church to hear every Sunday. There is no spirit of fear or confusion; there is a sense that God is at work building us into a community of faith. The music director creates an appropriate worship environment to enhance the sermon and strengthen the faith of the members. The board has a clear vision of the church as a community of disciples making new disciples.

Best of all, the members love going to church, spending time together, hearing sermons, singing songs, studying the Bible, and becoming family. They are allowed to ask questions, because leadership doesn't feel threatened by them. They spontaneously minister to each other, and guests are welcomed with the love of Christ.

This is just a cursory overview, but it does raise an important question: What kind of family is your church?

And if it's not the healthy kind, what can you do to make it healthier - or should you get out and find one that's already healthy?